Behaviors To Curb

I had a great first half of the year in 2021. At work, at home, creatively, on myself, my body, my mental state. But I started to let loose in summer as the pandemic restrictions were lifted. I started craving that lust for lostness.

It started with taking up smoking again. Riding my bike to the park, buying one beer, and hitting the vape. Reaching that numb state. Not for any particular reason, just because. Maybe it was the lack of social contact, maybe it was hormonal frustration aka sexual frustration. Maybe it’s the loneliness.

None of those episodes yielded serious negative outcomes. No blackouts, no unbearable hangovers. Although I did have a whole bag of Reese's Pieces at a late night screening of Fast and Furious 9. Munchies.

The hormonal hypothesis is the likeliest. It’s harder to regulate my impulses in the heat and openness of a Montreal summer. I’m human: I crave newness, and stimulation. But I must devise alternate strategies to obtain it.

Behaviors To Curb:

1. Refrain from snooping on social media of online crush
   I was able to abstain for six months. Why did I relapse? Probably hormonal. She answered me politely privately. I was hoping to elicit further interaction, but nothing came. I should leave it alone. The sooner I move onto someone else, the better. Quit romanticizing the past.
2. Refrain from drinking and smoking by myself
   The issue with substance consumption is substance abuse. Occasional indulgence is fine, specially under a social pretext. But the times I’ve done it by myself are usually followed by feelings of shame and guilt that I could do well without. The guilty self-talk is highly detrimental and puts me in a low-energy depressive state. One part of me thinks I’m being too hard on myself, the other part knows that the best way is total abstinence. Let’s find a manageable middleground.
3. Refrain from consuming online comedy podcasts
   Comedy podcasts are literally a drug. They are funny, sure, but binging them is equivalent to numbing myself with alcohol or drugs. I should replace with more stimulating activities, like reading, writing movie reviews, or doing online research for tangible projects. I had a great streak at the beginning of the year. Let’s get back to that.

It’s the same story, all the time. I seek to walk the right path, and I panic and get stressed when I don’t. I use these writing sessions to recenter myself. I should recognize that I could be more efficient by sticking to the plan. My triggers are:

• Loneliness: I crave social contact, which makes me go drink, or which makes me snoop on social media
• Systemic resentment: having to work makes me resentful and I try to take the edge off by drinking or smoking
• Frustration: I’m not as independent as I want to be, and I delay reaching those goals. I’m trying to understand why so I could solve it. This is really one of the main issues. I crave my independence, but I don’t do all the work required to reach it. I just have to find the energy to do it. Curbing those other behaviors should help.

I’m really hoping this writing puts me back on the right track.